It's just a shirt is what I tell myself as I throw out a 8 year old t-shirt, just an article of clothing, no big deal, until my husband sees it in the trash and remarks, "You threw out your Peeps shirt !?!?"
Then the no holding back waterfall of tears start streaming down my face.
In reality it really is just a shirt but it's symbolism is deeply rooted in my path of Motherhood. I bought the shirt about 8 years ago because its silliness was so ridiculous I liked how it made me laugh. Its a brown shirt that says "chillin with my peeps" and an Easter Peeps candies on it. I do not really know why it made me laugh so much but it did.
I wore that shirt through my pregnancy, to doctors visits alone since my husband could not come from surgeries he had, in the waiting room at UCSF at 6 months pregnant waiting for my husband to come out of his final surgery. I remember being up in the middle of the night feeding my son wearing my Peeps tshirt, laughing to myself that my newborn is one of my peeps now. Over the years it became my comfy go to shirt to lounge around in. When I found out I was pregnant again I was wearing that brown Peeps tshirt again, it was a relaxing day at home and I seriously thought no way was I pregnant but when the test showed up positive I thought now this shirt will be my lucky shirt.
After 2 months went by I lost the pregnancy to miscarriage. It was a very sad day and I remember blowing my nose on that Peeps shirt as I wept in my bathroom and after running out of Kleenex I reached into the laundry basket and grabbed the first thing I touched.
A few years went by and my brown Peeps shirt survived all the food spilled on it by my toddler, the swimming in our backyard pool since I was too self-conscious to not wear a tshirt over my bathing suit and the countless times it had been washed.
Flash forward to about 2 years ago when my husband and I decided we would try again to expand our family. I got pregnant right away and was so happy for the blessing to provide my son the sibling he always wanted. I wore my Peeps shirt to my doctors visit to confirm my pregnancy and jokingly called it my favorite maternity shirt. I was so happy, so elated to be pregnant, I told my family, my co-workers, my customers, it was a wonderful feeling.
Just as I was almost 3 months pregnant I had to call out from work and rush to the ER, I had spotting and the knowledge from my last failed pregnancy had me frozen with fear. My son was scared that we were in the emergency room so I had my husband and our son go home. It was so hard to be there alone, I had none of my "peeps" with me.
I remember just sitting there alone and numb, all the bright lights, the sounds of beeping medical machines, I felt so doomed. The ER doctor looked up from the screen she was reading with a smile and said congrats there are twins in there. For a moment I had joy, excitement and then the realization that it meant I was going to lose two precious babies and not just one. I asked all the questions I could to give myself some sense of hope that it was just spotting and I was okay.
I was told to go home and rest, after all it was Mothers Day weekend and I was a Mom. I was back 2 days later and they confirmed I lost both the babies. Many tear filled days wearing my favorite comfy tee and not getting out of bed followed. Having my son hug me and remind me that babies go to heaven made me even more so grateful for the gift he is.
It's been about 6 months since I threw that tshirt away with all the happy and sad memories attached to it. I wanted to move on from all the pain and expectations that it represented to me. My husband and I have been discussing trying again to expand our family and I am looking at it with the same hope and joy as always, just without my Peeps shirt, I don't really even like Peeps that much anyways.